My mom had an old clock on our fireplace mantle since the time I could remember. It was gold, and intricate, with the wheels and cogs exposed. It was encased in glass, and really, I remembered as a kid It made me think of the something out of the Roaring 20’s.
At some point in my imaginary games, I pretended I was a bank clerk, and would force my little sister to come and open bank accounts and withdraw money (I was a weird, weird kid). Anyway, I took the clock because it looked very “bankish” to me. It sat on my desk, as I counted Monopoly money.
When I was bored with the game, I took the clock back to the mantle. As I did the glass unlocked from the base, the clock spiraled downward, and in my hysteria I dropped the glass case as well.
Glass, cogs and wheels were everywhere.
My heart dropped.
There is an overwhelming feeling that comes in wrong-doing. A sense of worry, the sweat of guilt. Millions of half-thoughts race through your brain. What about the punishment, what will be said by mom? What will happen to me? (And if you’re like me,) Can I blame my sister??
And then there is a second wave of emotions, and thoughts.
This set comes milliseconds after the first, and it has to do with the cover-up. I’m 99.8% sure that this set of thoughts and emotions come from Lucifer himself. This set of thoughts, has to do with hiding, escaping, or covering what was done in some way. The emotions are high, the conniving is strong, the plan to cover is prominent.
For a 9-year-old, the second set of thoughts looks like hurriedly picking up glass and cogs, putting them in a bag, and hiding them. In the garage.
I remember picking everything up with amazing speed. I picked up each wheel, the damaged clock face. I swept the extra glass, and the tiny springs. Then I ran out to the garage to find a place to put it. There was a storage unit my dad never used; perfect for storing my shame.
Amazingly, mom never asked about the clock. I’m not even really sure she saw that it was gone. And so, the plan worked.
So why didn’t I feel better?
It would be months before mom found the clock remains. One Sunday, I remember walking out of our back door, through the garage to run to a neighbors. Mom was getting up from her knees with a bundle.
“Jessie,” she asked, “what’s this?” She was being earnest, not condemning.
I sat in shock for a moment.
“Did my clock break?”
I hesitated, wondering if I should lie. I really, really wanted to lie. But for some reason I didn’t, and then I told her what happened. I broke her clock, but worse than that, I hid it. I was sorry… really sorry. I cried, mostly because I was sad that I lied to my mom. Hiding my mistake had put a strain on our relationship I didn’t even know was there.
I searched her face for anger, frustration, punishment. Anything. What came next surprised me.
“Well, it was old, anyway!” She said, completely unfazed, and walked it over to the trash.
Getting caught, it would seem, felt quite unlike I thought it would.
In the Bible, God talks often about our mistakes. I just read this nugget today:
“You will be ashamed because of the sacred oaks in which you delighted, you will be disgraced because of the gardens you have chosen.” – Isaiah 1:29
Shame, embarrassment and disgrace are terrible things to carry around. The weight is immense. You feel sick, unwell, unright. But like Adam and Eve in the garden, shame would prefer to run and hide than to be exposed. Cover it up. And fast, shame whispers. When I read the Garden account, I see this play out. Shame, running for it’s life and hiding. And then I hear God’s tone when He calls out to them.
If God was angry at the choice of the tree, he was absolutely broken-hearted at the choice to hide from Him.
Shame does that. It hides.
But getting caught, well, let’s talk about that. I can picture God wandering through the woods, already knowing exactly where Adam is, and calling out to him. He wanders and wanders, until He comes to their hiding place. Leaves cover their disgrace. They’ve been found out. And honestly, I have to think at that moment that they both exhaled.
Sinning felt terrible, but hiding from God – felt much, much worse.
Thankfully, God says that everything that is hidden with come to light. A statement I am glad for:
“For everything that is hidden will eventually be brought into the open, and every secret will be brought to light.” – Mark 4:22
Like little kids, we exhale and delight as God pulls away the shroud, opens our hearts, uncovers the clock remains. And almost instantly, the gift and sheer grace of repentance sets in. Repentance, the beauty of coming undone before God. The relief of coming clean. The wonderment of a second chance. The unbelievable gift of the burden of falsehood being lifted.
We don’t have to pretend anymore. We’ve been found out. And it feels incredible.
For those of you with insides that are burdened because of past shame, this post is for you.
May you accept the grace of getting caught tonight. May God’s kindness lead you to sweet, sweet repentance. May we more boldly come to the throne, confessing ourselves before hiding away. And may you accept the relief of being found out, by a God who desires nothing more, than an unhidden child.
Amen.
Jessie Davis 